Growing into herself: step aside Mom
Sliding up beside me as I introduce her to her back-up caregiver at Kids & Company, she is quiet. She demurs from an introduction, not meeting the woman’s eyes for more than a moment. She pulls me down toward her to ask in a whisper if she and Michael can be in the same room.
I am surprised by Kate’s quite repose because it is such a contrast to her normal bubbly, confident posture. But she’s usually in her neighbourhood. She knows her 10 blocks and all the possibilities therein. She walks the same way to her Montessori class every morning, she smiles and waves to parents and classmates along our route and she is greeted by the same familiar, loving teachers daily. She knows the drill.
There are few surprises in her day. She gets up around the same time, she eats at the same regular intervals, she has similar activities to choose from. This consistency and home based routine are the basis for our approach to helping her grow confidently, with good health and safety. This is why I have chosen to have in-home care instead of regular daycare.
So I shouldn’t be surprised to find a different side of Kate emerge when she is out of her comfort zone. It’s truly a gift to me—because it’s easy to take for granted that I know my girl—when, in fact she is growing and knowing herself more every day. I need to be present, observe and listen so I don’t miss nuances and changes.
I could have responded by pushing her forward and asking her to answer the teacher—I did in fact ask her to say hello. But I left it at that. I wanted her not to feel pushed out from her choice to observe quietly before engaging. In truth, I know that feeling. She is a lot like me. I too am quiet in new situations unless it’s apparent that I am the natural leader and should step forth from my inner world. I too live in a place where I have a wild inner dialogue which when externalized is fathoms deep and surprising even to me. This is also true for Kate I think. I hear from her teachers that she is curious, thoughtful (bordering on studious), and playful. I have seen her pull memories out of her archives of a younger age which I was astonished she could have remembered. Her ability to recall and apply the recollections to the present offer me a glimpse into her inner world. She’s watching and processing all the time.
There have been many recent days when she’s frustrated me by ignoring my requests. I was reminded that that behaviour is always a way of getting my attention and I should be asking what she needs to tell me. I tried it on for size a few days ago and found out that she’s bored! When I told her that moving was not on, but she could do something to her own room, I found she has dreams of a magical creatures mural on her wall and new sheets for her bed. I can do something with that! So happy I asked, since then I have showered her with reassuring hugs, opportunities to tell me what she’s thinking and offers to work along side me in the kitchen. The result? Less aggravation, more information sharing and a happier connection.
She’s looking for reassurance from me, and from a new environment. In both instances she’ll share what’s going on inside when she’s sure she’d going to get a loving, attentive response. I’m happy I learned about her quieter side this week—I was naively thinking I knew what was going on with her. But there’s a lot more beneath the surface than I imagined. Ask, ask, ask!