Gender defined
This afternoon, I heard the clinking of ice in my water glass with nostalgia. It made me warm and happy and brought a smile to my face. Where did that all come from? I wondered. The sound took me back to childhood to one of those “adult” noises I dreamed of possessing. My grandparents and parents drank mixed drinks in glass tumblers and the clinking sound was their ice being swooshed around while they chatted and cajoled. I witnessed many family discussions over that noise. Discussions of which I longed to be a part when I grew old.
Just shy of 5 years, already Kate likes the sound of high heels clicking on the tile or wood foor. I don’t wear them often, but she loves to find those shoes and parade around the house making them click, click on the floor. I wonder what she imagines along with the sound to make it memorable for her. Is she preparing to go out to a fancy party? Is she sporting her best gown, matching handbag and shoes? The importance she puts in it is evident in her poised walk.
Yesterday Michael pretended to be me making dinner, while I acted as he does—like a hungry little bird under Momma’s wing. As I begged for a snack before dinner, he dutifully dished out slices of imaginary peppers, a sip of water and a friendly suggestion that I go to play. I could see how he loved to pretend to be me—wearing my dogtag necklace with his and Kate’s name on it and calling the shots.
But on the weekend, he took to the helm of our eighteen and a half foot boat like a seasoned captain. In his mind it was his birth right. This was no game of pretend. Immediatly he steered the boat in gentle circles and then guided us through the channels of islands and mainland around the lake with a smile of pure joy. He stood between his Dad’s legs, chatting with him about his navigation choices and deciding on the required speed for the vessel. Kate too loves to drive the boat—but she doesn’t seem to put the same “this is real” energy into it that Michael does. And he doesn’t put the same “this is real” energy into being me that Kate does.
They already have very defined gender identities. She is classically feminine (all dresses and tiaras), strong and fashionable. He is active with balls, vehicles and tools of any kind. He loves to poke at the campfire, browse the shoreline for snakes and takes pleasure from playing “run from the Michael”. We have been conscious enough to do as little as possible to enforce gender identities. They came naturally. Kate loves Princesses in spite of my efforts to keep them out of our house and story time; and Michael gravitates to any steering wheel on a tractor, car or country mule.
Like my happy memories of ice clinking in glasses, I hope my two remember their early sights, sounds and preoccupations with warmth and a healthy clairity that they grew up allowed to be who they are.
June 18th, 2007 at 7:13 pm
I love this. You brought back all my memories of my Mother’s high heels on the hard wood floors and how much I loved that sound. I believe that Kate and Michael will be blessed with the happy memories (the pictures you have painted are just wonderful). What will be interesting will be to ask them what they are in 20 years and see what the little pieces that they took with them are.