Doubts, questions, affirmation
It happens every couple of months for me — rarely less than every six months. I don’t think it’s endemic to writers or mothers or people planning the earlier retirement of one spouse. Perhaps it is common for people who have chosen a path which is off the main trail. It must be a reality for everyone who toils at work whose progress is difficult to measure. Or maybe it’s just a phenomenon among those who live consciously.
I’m referring to how I throw the way I’m spending my time up into the air like I’m setting up a game of pick up sticks. I don’t question the fundamentals like my marriage or having children. Those are a secure. Nor to I dwell on the way I select to limit my weekends to family time (although I occasionally lament all the vibrancy of the city we’re missing while at the cottage). What I do, is get a sinking feeling and realize that I need to ferret out the source ASAP.
This weekend, it crept-in as the Easter Bunny was leaving for another year, and my kids were molar-deep in chocolate. By Sunday night, I had ruled out any attribution to another party which I might have been able to turn over to its rightful owner. It was not Chuck’s anxiety I was getting. It was my own.
Perhaps it’s the Fates way of getting me to do a little spring cleaning. Perhaps it was the lovely inquiry last week from an acquaintance I had not seen in a year that I ”must be finished my book by now”. Or maybe, the family holiday had me dwelling on the measurable accomplishments in my family and wondering how they must be viewing my life-work.
The voice of reason in me chided me about setting some daily word count goals, weekly pitch goals, blog clicks or just sitting down to write the book instead of selling it from a proposal. You can’t make money at this unless you’re producing, so try focusing on production! The voice admonished me. You’ve always been successful with time deadlines so put some in place you can live with.
But with the summer coming, I’m completely torn about how I should be spending my time. I feel guilty planning 3 weeks away from writing to spend at the cottage and in Calgary, with the kids going to day-camp with their cousins. But wait, the feeling side pipes up, I wouldn’t give up that time for anything! This will be a terrific summer, with the kids able to enjoy the cottage, and work with their new skills. It’ll be so much less work than past summers when they were less independent.
I know this is true - every year offers a new set of experiences for me — and for them —to which we won’t ever be able to return. Before I know it, they’ll be grown and valuing me very differently than they do now. At this moment, they’d like me with them before and after every activity, during every evening and on every weekend. I should relish this natural dependence and feed it to help them grow into confident independence.
Remember your goal to give them as much as possible until they are six? Their development is immeasurable before that age, and you add to their Being in ways you might never understand. Every new experience, every security met, every need fulfilled feeds their development in a positive way. There is no more important job — and you know that. That’s the big picture thinker I’m hearing from again. She pulls me out of the weeds when I get wrapped up in this inertia. I know this stuff. So where is the questioning coming from?
It’s the lure of money. I left very good money to take on writing, and create a life which allows me to be with the kids when they need me. I’m not with them full time, but I can pick and choose enough to make everyone happy. But I always feel the need to be making money to contribute financially. I know I need to make money by the time the kids are in school full time. My income will be important as Chuck approaches retirement. I reason, these are building years — developing my writing abilities, making contacts in the business who will hear my pitches. By the time I get to Michael’s grade one, I should be well established doing freelance work. Am I doing enough right now to put me in that position?
When this internal dialogue takes over, I usually end up assessing the kids needs versus my commitment to my writing. I tweak my schedule here and there — although there have been a couple of times when I’ve made bigger changes to see how they work. I know I can always change again. What I do understand about myself is that if something’s not working, it’s not Ok to ignore it and hope it’ll fix itself. I experiment with different ways of working my time until I feel comfortable. I’m comfortable when the kids aren’t complaining about me leaving them with Jane or crying at the door when we leave for date-night. Part of my ruler is how everyone is getting along — if the family equilibrium is OK.
I know that not having to rely on my income right now makes it easier for me to “get it right”. But I have to believe, since I’ve already done it by leaving my wonderful paying job, that we all have choices we can make — small shifts like reducing our hours of work, changing our arrival and departure times or working at something we truly love — which can serve to establish family equilibrium. How we spend our time should be seen in the same way we talk about sleeping arrangements — if it’s not working for everyone, something needs to shift. Doing something you love will bring positive energy into a home — which it has into ours. Perhaps the questioning is a healthy part of making it work for everyone.
April 12th, 2007 at 6:28 am
Hey Kath - this was a good one, glad I tuned in.
As for your anxiety - I think you are right, we all get it. How can we not? We are trying to do everything that we want and we want EVERYTHING.
Let’s try to connect soon. I have been thinking about you a lot lately and have just been bad about getting in touch (yes, more anxiety!). What I always tell the boys, and myself is that ‘this is a better place to be than not having the options that create the anxiety.’