Mommy’s Groove

Speaking to a group of Doulas in the DoulaCARE network on Sunday, I got an interesting peak into the concerns some women have about lying-in. I’ve written before that I hear from women who think that it sounds terrific, but are certain that they could never do it. They cite family expectations, an active lifestyle or an un-evolved partner who could not attend to the household as I was fortunate to have done.

One woman said that personally, she would have slipped into postpartum depression if she had not had her extended family visiting during her first weeks. Another woman, thinking about a client, wondered whether it was necessary to cut off the social connection during a time of shared joy? Other voices were skeptical that some clients could relax and focus on the lying-in if they were not confident that their world outside the womb-room was being taken care of.

I heard some of these concerns as practical and manageable, but also as forsaking the motivation for the minutia. Most of us can pretty easily ignore 15 days of routine household cleaning. Dust bunnies will not cause household collapse, and dirty dishes get washed when they need to be used again! But I’m not even suggesting that this needs to happen if one can engage a supportive partner, family members or friends to help with managing the home while the sacred space for lying-in is protected.

And almost anyone can live without a regular or even depleted level of social stimulation for 15 days — particularly when we know babies and Moms will be feeling strong and rested, like capable nursers, optimistic mothers and content, confident babes. My understanding is that in cultures which practice lying-in the incidents of postpartum depression are significantly lower than they are here in North America.

But underlying the discussion with the doulas, I also heard another striking issue: the inability, unwillingness or discomfort with being alone with a newborn and in one’s mothering for 15 days. This is a scary place to go for many women. Being quiet — and by that I mean quieting oneself — turns up the volume of ones inner dialogue. Feelings about caring for a baby, insecurities about the new responsibilities, or observations about what this new family member might do to a marriage might creep into consciousness during all that quiet time. She might recall the mothering she got with bitter sweetness.

Lying-in is cathartic on many levels. For me, it allowed me to say good-bye to my pre-motherhood self. With that gesture, I gave myself permission to be less driven with my time, less able to multi-task, more flexible in my routine. I got permission to look realistically at the social commitments I had kept, and re-evaluate how I should manage socially with a newborn. With lying-in, I found a voice which put my new life, responsibilities and the best interests of my babe at the top of my priority list. Without that time, I expect I would have spent a few months blaming the baby for my exhaustion, when in fact I would not have made any thoughtful changes to the way I was living.

Chuck and I are always conscious of the fact that I had this experience because of the leadership and direction I got from the leader of this lying-in movement. This is true - her regular observations of our lying-in and connection defined the experience because she helped to put it in context.

Five days would have been enough time to recover 75% physically, but would have been over shooting my reserves significantly. Ten days would have given me an escape hatch when I was silently yearning for an easier time, and I might have slipped back to my former self. But by day fifteen, I was through the initial growing pains of becoming a mother. I felt distanced from my old self, who was but one labour and 15 days away. But that time and space away from my old life — not a babymoon because there was nothing about it which resembled a vacation — allowed me to germinate my new mother self. From there it grew as I became the mother I’m meant to be.

This is hard stuff and a big opening of yourself to becoming a mother — which is why I think 15 days is the perfect amount of time to say hello to your new role, while easing yourself out of your past where there was no beautiful little babe to re-organize your world. No more, no less is my estimation of the length of time it should be: 15 days.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 28th, 2007 at 12:12 pm and is filed under Lying-in. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.