Losing the tone
I dig in my heels and entrench my position further — and its not the kind of well reasoned, deeply felt through position one entrenches for. The voice of reason is cat calling to me, don’t say anything else. This tact isn’t working, shift course now or shut up. But the voice that has the floor is unyielding, stubborn in her intractability and escalating the discussion. She may even be showing distain for her adversary: an independent four and a half year old. I am not proud of myself, but at the same time I can’t seem to help it.
I hate being late, and actually don’t like even cutting things close. It makes me irritated. She is having a lovely time in her room, still in her PJs. I try telling her that she needs to get moving or she’s going to miss eating breakfast when we eat. I get nothing. She plays on, oblivious to our schedule. I remind her that she could end up in the car in her PJs clothes in hand to dress at school. She does not make eye contact.
She’s wielding her, I can do it myself power, which I am happy to encourage so long as it fits my schedule. I don’t like her arriving at the breakfast table 10 minutes before our departure time needing breakfast. I’m accustomed to breakfast at 8:00 with lots of time to breathe. The fact that she’s listening to a wonderful story on CD, playing quietly, getting herself dressed by herself and letting her brother do what he needs to do, gives her no leverage with me when I’m feeling this way. It makes no sense for me to react this way.
I vow that I won’t remind her to get moving more than twice, and sometimes I am successful. But I have a hard time just letting go and letting her live with the natural consequences. I do try to use natural consequences, but sometimes they come out as threats because of the tone I adopt. It’s childish on my part. But I can’t stop the judgmental tone from clouding what might otherwise be a decent attempt at warning of a natural consequence. Admittedly, sometimes my consequences are unrelated to the offense and serve only to threaten or punish. Again, not a badge of pride for me.
This morning the rub was the shower. I told her a few days ago that the water-park approach to bathing with Michael is done for me. So she’s moving into the shower stage of hygiene. Two days ago we had an opening act battle to get her into the shower, then an easy shower, and a lovely warm hair dryer final act which sent her singing into her day. Yesterday she asked why I hadn’t woken her up to shower with me (it was her off day)!
Today, she was up in plenty of time, I told her a few minutes ahead of time that we’d be showering and I got huge push back. I talked nicely, reminding her of how easy it had been etc.. Finally unwilling to physically put her into the shower again, I told her with a tone which clearly said, I’ve given up on you, that if you don’t have a shower now you can look forward to a 2 inch bath by yourself (no brother) tonight. It might be cool doing it that way. She ignored me and kept playing. Was it a threat or a natural consequence? Both because of the tone I used. It was judgmental and dismissive.
Being dismissive of my child is a very huge sin in my mind. It says, not only do I disagree with the choice you’re making, but I’m going to be mean spirited about it too. I’m going to leave you alone with a nasty look and the clear message that I’m not going to support your choice. This is fundamentally wrong. I need to give her choices, tell her of the natural consequences for them and then support her so if and when her choice results in a negative experience, she feels like she can come to me to be heard and loved. The consequence will do the work for me. So why am I making it so hard for myself?
In my mind I’ve flipped through the obvious reasons for our regular rub points these days. She’s taking another step way from me, and I have not adjusted to this new level of independence. This happens every six months or so. I expect to be dealing with a reasonably compliant person who flows with our routine, and one day (she turned her half birthday a few weeks ago) I’m met with a new little girl who is making a few subtle changes of her own. Where we used to be able to function within 2 choices, now she’s rejecting the options and opting for her own path. That’s leaving piano practice by the curb and toys strewn across her floor. It’s a bit of a problem for me and it shows in my irritable tone.
What do I do when our agendas clash and she simply refuses to cooperate? I need to stop making it a battle of wills and escalating the consequences. Perhaps I can try getting her agreement on the flow of the day and the things that need to be done, in addition to the things she’d like to do. Perhaps she’d like to do the planning. For sure, I need to remember that regardless of her opinion or behaviour, I need to silence the feeling voice in me and approach her respectfully and lovingly. I think I’ll try deep breathing.