Unfocusing intense focus
“Unreachable” in the sense of being non-responsive, is not a quality in which I take pride. But it is a hard fact of my personality. Moving through the motions of organizing breakfast or working through a problem up-loading music, I know I can be unavailable to my family. I hear their requests for milk or queries about dinner plans but I am unable to break myself away from my focus to respond. It’s an ugly quality, but a classic one for an introvert. I want to be different.
Most anyone would find me to be a skilled extravert — I am very conversational, not shy, and genuinely interested in the world and people around me. But I am a practiced extravert and I find it tiring, not energizing, as Jung said true extraverts do. So in that distinction, I am a bit of an illusion — I am not as I appear.
One expects extraverts to be quick to relate to others and the world — they externalize their thinking quickly, often before thinking about it. They light up when engaged and are good company. I think before I speak, and usually deliver a well considered, intentional side of a conversation. But if I am called upon to talk when I’m focused on something else - reading, preparing a meal, problem solving or introspection — it feels like I am breaking a thread which I might not again find. It’s hard for me to do.
Sometimes I silently answer the introjection into my internal space (yes, that’s really what it feels like), like when Kate asks for more milk or a snack while I am cooking. I hear her; I am going to get her what she wants, but I fail to say that to her. She is forced to ask again. Then, I feel put-upon and get irritated that she’s now badgering me, when in fact she’s just trying to get an answer from her unplugged Mum. Oddly, sometimes I’m aware that this is happening and the feeling voice in me coaches myself to respond out-loud, but it doesn’t change the time it takes me to come back into the room. It’s a real struggle for me.
Interestingly, this ability to focus has served me well in many arenas — studying for exams, preparing proposals on a short deadline and learning information for teaching or application. I’m definitely a quick study.
It was also helpful during labour. Yesterday, a new friend asked me how I was able to give birth at home without medication. There were many factors which made that successful — from the outstanding midwifery support to the faith in the process my husband and I shared. But on a personal level, I think the primary reason was my ability to focus on moving through the contractions, resting in between and utterly shutting out any negative feelings like fear, anxiety, or self-doubt. Those feelings were simply not invited to my births. I remember hearing Bridget my midwife giving me instructions about assuming a position to help the baby come down in the final phase of labour — I didn’t want to respond because I was afraid that coming out of my internal space back into the room would mean feeling the pain more intensely. I was away somewhere inside me, managing my experience of the pain because I did not have to interact with anyone. They had left me alone, and I went to a place of calm and focus which served me very well.
While I’m thankful for this ability to focus which allows me to attend to things very effectively, it does present some day-to-day challenges. While I appear to be in the room and therefore available to my family, there are times when my focus has me truly somewhere else. It makes me frustrating to be with, and creates conflict because to me it feels jolting to have to disengage. But disengage I must. I need to find a more graceful way to re-enter the room and sensitively re-engage with the family I’ve seemingly rudely ignored.