When becoming is the gift
I’ve got the kind of focus you want in an emergency: clear thought, process orientation and endurance. Those skills and that laser sharp focus come into play when I’m called upon to deal with a sick child or wedge a car out of a scrape (both of which I had to do last week). But that kind of thinking also comes to mind for me when I recall the first weeks with my babes.
I have a friend who is embarking on motherhood “alone” by choice. I put that in quotes because although she is a mother choosing to go solo thanks to medical support rather than a spouse, she is far from alone on her journey as a mother. She has a supportive mother herself, a new man in her life and other in-tuned friends who understand her circumstances and loving choice to go it alone.
She is looking toward her future with her babe as bright, loving and fluid — a healthy perspective for any expectant mother. Who can know the way a babe is going to alter your life until the transformation happens? I thank God I had my midwife and her prescription for 15 days of lying-in to give me permission to find my sea-legs because every moment of those days was spent learning the new language of babe, it seemed.
Although I said as she has recently, that I could not imagine the adoring attention I poured on my husband being eclipsed by the new babe, that it was. I went from honeymoon-like bride to focused new-mother in a nano second it seemed. I was awed by Kate’s presence and alarmed by her cries. The cries made my blood run cold and adrenaline pump through my body. I cared about nothing but figuring out how to quell her frantic cries and I knew I was responsible for doing it. No one else could convince me otherwise. My babe — her cries — all mine. I never once thought my husband should be the one to relieve her intensity. I don’t know how he felt about it, but to me it was clear that she was part of me and I held responsibility for her emotional state. As for his emotional state, he had to be the guardian of that for a long time while I was on high-alert with Kate.
I don’t believe that I’m any different than any conscious, loving mother. I imagine we’re biologically programmed in those first weeks and months to have eyes bugging out with constant problem solving; and I don’t think it’s limited to biological child. I think it’s all about becoming a mother — biological or adoptive. There is a shift that takes place in your body to prioritize the needs of the babe. It just happens as part of becoming.
Last night I was up for 2 hours with a little boy who wanted one of his parents to sleep with him. While I desperately want him to out-grow his need for nocturnal parenting, and some nights I get angry and strenuously resist his urgings, in the light of day I return to my focused problem solving mode. Tonight I will try something different, at least to manage my own expectations and reactions, if it does little to help him take care of himself during the dark hours.
I could not have imagined this in myself before I became a mother. i don’t think my friend knows what’s in store for her either — how could she? But she will no doubt shut out all other considerations during her first days on the job and become the mother she’s meant to be. I love watching that transformation. It is one of the gifts of this life — when becoming is greater than being.