Glimpses of her older than today
There are moments when I look into my daughter’s face and see her for the woman she will become. At present she is innocently unaware of her beauty and able to enjoy her body for its strength, agility and dress-up fun. She is able to simply “be”.
As we rushed to see who would be the “rotten-egg” for being last in the race to get our PJs on before bed, I marvelled at her playful four-year old agenda and heard a cautious voice in me saying — soon it will be gone. She’s learning to be independent of me in the world.
She’s almost mastered her weekly schedule and directs her brother as to her plans for the day. On the weekend, she asked to buy a bracelete as a gift for a friend whose birthday she will attend this week. I had not prompted her to think about a gift, nor discussed what our options might be. She surprised me with her forward-thinking. While I complimented her for initiating the selection, I was taken by the developmental step it represented. Soon enough I will be negotiating with a little person who has her own well thought out ideas and plans.
Yesterday, when I caught myself staring at her face I saw the way it is maturing and the new worldliness in her eyes. As she makes conversation with me she’s figuring out how things work and trying to find her place. She has always been particular about what she wears, but now I am less able to advise her about the appropriateness of her selection and as the seasons change must depend on her experiencing the cold to stimulate a better choice tomorrow. She does not necessarily take my word for it anymore.
As we move closer to the end of those first magical 6 years of life there are things I want to contain for her. I worry about the messages she’ll get from new peers about the way she should dress and how girls behave. I dread the hours of rigorous homework and school projects which do not strike her fancy. I wonder how we’ll mange to find time to chat during the walks to school and shuttling to activities. Will I be able to stay connected to her world? When will she rather I wasn’t?
I love to see her spirit so free, so individual and so very Kate. The idea of her conforming to fit in with her peers makes me sad, while a little voice in me would be glad for her to skip the painful lessons of being socially on the outside. I hate the thought of her toiling over work taught in a learning style to which she does not relate well or being pushed into a box of conformity within the classroom. But my reasonable voice chastises that every child must experience that ‘coming together’. It is there that they find their own way.
I know these are contradictions — wanting her to fit in and at the same time wanting her to be her true self — but perhaps for her they won’t be. Maybe she’ll be so self-possessed that she’ll be magnetic for others and free for herself. Perhaps she’ll find the best in every classroom she enters and learn to navigate in her own ways — ways I cannot yet imagine.
For today I’ll try to leave those unknowns for another day and enjoy her four year old vibrancy.
“…For yesterday is but a dream, and tomorrow is only a vision. But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope. Look well therefore on this day.”