Seeing the mother I am, while still “becoming”
I’ve always held as my philosophical signature the idea that “life is full of choices”. Behind those words are a raised eye-brow and a half-smile which suggest that one should carefully consider the options life presents because our choices make us who we are. Now while I “become the mother I am meant to be” I see glimpses of the mother I am with the fingerprints of my decisions I leave behind.
In the last few months I have been struggling with my high energy, bright eyed 2 1/2 year old. I sense that he is “missing something” in his development. His always-moving energy is like a hummingbird. His personality sweet and charming, and outlook his is joyful, confident and curious.
He is however, fearless in the way an astronaut must be, utterly without boundaries, and disconnected from consequences. He is not obstinate, malicious, mischievous or deaf. He hears me, yet consistently he marches to his own drummer. He is beautifully all about play in his two year old world and mysteriously absent of any other motivations. I am certain that his behaviour falls outside of the range of “normal two year old development”.
Yesterday, I took him to a naturopathic doctor and homeopath, who really gets kids. After lengthy questioning about my son and observations of him, she prescribed a remedy. If accurate, it will ramp up the development of healthy fear and some awareness of personal boundaries to what one might reasonably expect in a 2 1/2 year old. Rather than doing something to him, the remedy gives him information to help him develop.
Last night after hearing about my experience, a friend whose seasoned mother-judgment I respect highly gave me an insight. You know how sometimes a friend holds up a mirror for you and shows you something you might otherwise have missed — this was one of those moments. She quietly observed that my approach was unique because I had not chosen to let this developmental lapse rule his life (and mine) nor opted to search for medication to control him and (let’s be frank) give me some control. I opted to help him, help himself learn in his way.
I was taken aback by this compliment even as I felt buoyed by it. Choosing the view that “that’s just the way he is” would have been to cheat my son out of important self-controls and strain our relationship. Opting to search out medication which might calm his energy and repress his impulses would rob him and everyone who loves him of his genuine spirit. Guiding him to checks and balances for himself was the only option I would live with. It keeps the focus on him, without giving into my need to get control and calm around him.
But for my friend’s observation of the options my choice left behind, I would not have seen this gem in my mothering. I’m glad she showed me.
We’ll see how this remedy works.