“Unbecoming” on the threshold of motherhood
Etched in my memory are the feelings — trepidation, excitement, FEAR and quiet contentment — which jerked my body around in the final weeks before my first child was born.
It’s too simple to say that these feelings were all about becoming a mother. They were also about unbecoming a number of other identities I loved. It was as if I could sense there that would not be enough room for all of my assumed roles when the baby arrived. Some people say that after a baby is born, you should get right back at being the wife, daughter, sister, friend, worker you were before and let the baby fit into your life. Indeed, many women take that path.
I remember having the uncomfortable sense that I’d bitten off more than I could chew when it felt like that path would not feel right to me. It didn’t make sense in the weeks before she arrived, that Kate should have to fit into my life. My job would be to nurture and guide her path, not cart her along on mine. But if that were the case — I adapt my priorities to meet her needs — then I have to give slack on my career trajectory, my accessibility to friends, my emotional availability to my family. To look honestly at it, I would have had to admit it also meant forsaking the financial recognition I was boosted by, my pride in my status at work, and relying on help more than helping others. Suddenly becoming a mother was equally about loosing things I’d taken for granted.
When I left work 4 weeks before my due date, I was ready as I’ve written elsewhere. But not ready to absord the losses. I shelved those, burying them in the anticipation of positive changes. They were too real to acknowledge. As I moved through those precious last weeks, I walked a lot, read and observed my mind wandering without being able to reign it in. I did not have lunch dates with friends I had promised to catch up with. I did not call my family as regularly, or e-mail as often as I had done. I smiled sadly at my last pay-cheque feeling powerless and “kept”. It scared me. I was in a nowhere-land on the cusp of something new, unwilling to grieve the old. Only being quiet helped.