How the labour fear creeps in
The downside of all the sharing we do with our pregnant sisters is that it’s really hard to filter our advice and experiences as so not to allow negative emotions — fear, sadness, guilt or regret — in our own experiences to seep into the conversation. I found when I was pregnant, I was so open to everything floating by that it was easy to absorb the emotions behind the stories that were being shared in good faith (hence I donned the emotional flak jacket). How can you stop your cervix from pulling in when you hear about 32 hours of labour, petocin drips and tears which seemed never to end? It kinda burns a hole in your no-yet penned birth plan!
Month 4
When I meet other women who are pregnant there is a typical discourse which begins with “when are you due?” and “how are you feeling?”. If we have similar experiences we will likely move onto other small talk outside of Planet Baby speak. But where the experience differs, in come the first obvious signs that we are “taking” our experiences of pregnancy differently.
On one occasion I heard an attitude of “suffering through it” because that’s the beginning of “the sacrifices women make for their children”. From my sister-in-law, I hear that she doesn’t even know where she is in her second pregnancy because she’s so busy with work and her first child. One friend is travelling, working long hours and planning a lavish wedding. She appears to be hovering above herself when we check in with one another but seems unable to do anything about the disconnect. A colleague scoffs at my plan to birth naturally at home, telling me I’m brave. I hear that a lot. Does my choice somehow infringe on the choices she made to take advantage of the hospital environment? Does she feel like I’m taking something away from her memory of her first hours with her child because of the idyllic plan I am sharing?
I find myself listening to these comments — my own included — with an emotional filter — wondering how genuine these conversations really are or whether we are inadvertently saying something about how we are feeling of which we are unaware? Are there seeds of mother guilt being sewn this early on? How could my sister-in-law be tuned out of a person growing in her? Is she intentionally absent from her baby’s development? Is my friend able to enjoy her pregnancy with all the major events she has included in her schedule over the coming months? From now on I decide to keep my plans to myself if at all possible — I’m sensing fear — in the memories of experienced mothers, and of that mysterious unknown which is starting at us first time mothers.
I stop to check in with myself — I’m keeping up my pre-pregnancy social schedule and commitments and have a full plate of objectives I want to accomplish at work before my leave begins. I’m also enjoying a week in the south this month and have another short trip planned to see friends in New Orleans. Although I am telling people I feel great and I’m enjoying the pregnancy I also have a sinking feeling I’m doing more than I should. My Gram’s words of wisdom ring in my memory — don’t forget there is nothing more important than this baby now — nothing. I remember really hearing those words when she said them and allowing them to sink in. Am I putting this baby first every single day or am I juggling with the best of them?
You can see the questioning began for me really early. And it continues today. I grieve the innocent, heartfelt expectations of a beautiful natural birth which we kill with every personal loss we confess. I know there is information that should be shared and risks to be weighed in each individual circumstance but I wish there could be more accountability too. We take something away from a woman facing labour by recalling the worst in our own experience. Fear makes limiting choices and a poor labour coach.
September 4th, 2006 at 12:33 pm
Hey just wanted to drop by and say thanks for the lovely article in Mothering this past month; you articluated well the challenges and joy of truly knowing your child and connecting with them as a little person. I think I’ll enjoy looking around here on your blog!