Keeping the message in mind
There it sat anchoring the room, that status symbol of expectant parents: the crib. Who could have imagined with it’s hefty price-tag and its soft whisper of “adult-time”, this most symbolic first purchase would sit empty for months as a testament to the message.
Having declined to read any pregnancy magazines, and absorbing information about my pregnancy only on a need-to-know basis, I was a blank slate on the issue of co-sleeping when my midwife planted the seed. She advised that I would be nursing in bed for the first 3 months to allow me to rest, produce milk easily and allow the baby to develop a skilled latch. That all made sense to me. But why then, did I spend a wak of money on a crib which would remain in a darkened room collecting dust? Because I hadn’t thought about the message I would be sending my newborn by putting her in a crib, alone in her room, a floor away from me. Right. I got it.
Messages from me to my newborn…cues and clues for her to learn how I view her and how she fits in. What should they be? Why pick this one over that one? How do I decide? When the light went on for me, it shone into corners of my new world which I had not yet stumbled upon. I began to think about my intention behind every action, every purchase and every plan. Suddenly, there was a way through the sea of props, products and pacifiers which seemed to be standard issue gear for new parents.
There was no doubt in my mind that I wanted the first days, weeks and months with my newborn to be about love, developing trust and learning about each other. With those messages top of mind, I decided it was right to co-sleep because it would allow Kate to get milk as easily as air, showing her I would meet her needs. Was any message more important than that one in the first months? It was the right decision for the first 3 months, at which point Kate was prepared to touch me a little less and I was happy to be left untouched. She gradually moved to her crib, and I raced to her urgent cries and walked to the rest.
I shone the same light onto other decisions like the stroller vs. carrier choice. Carrier won as the preferred method of transporting Kate so she could feel close to us. With cloth diapers vs. disposables in the days before curb-side recycling, the decision was cloth to save the landfill and share a respect for our planet. I debated resuming my pre-baby routine vs. lying-in and gradually allowing her senses to open to our modern world. We enjoyed watching the quiet, slow and sensitive way she adjusted to living on “the outside”. The message to her was “your development is my priority”.
Interestingly, while thinking about what message I was sending with the decisions I made, I got a message for me. I was in a new season of my life where letting go of old expectations, romantic visions of motherhood and control was job one. I was not required to know it all, just to hone my listening skills. Kate landed on the planet with that gift for me and I in turn promised to keep the message in mind.