What it’s all about
Even with my oldest, dearest friend I’m aware of holding back as I listen to her most recent progress report — she and I are at different places on the continuum of becoming a mother.
Two of my favourite people friends from childhood and university — are both expecting their first babies. I remember that time so vividly that I know they are deserving of my support, respect and unadulterated joy. But there is a piece of me already on the shores of mother-of-a-toddler twice over, who is brimming with suggestions, unsolicited advice and a burning desire to reminisce. I can’t help myself. But I know I must hold into my urge with monk-like calm until asked.
I remember one day late in the first trimester feeling like I was totally prepared to have a baby, then the next day it hit me that I was drifting on a river towards the rocky shores of becoming someone’s mother. I didn’t feel prepared for that identity. Then I began to wonder why everyone on Planet Baby was so focused on having a baby — getting the nursery ready, buying strollers and cooing over tiny clothing — when the real work was about preparing to become someone’s mother. She’s the one who makes the bulk of the decisions in the first year — from the known choices of breastfeeding or bottle, carrier or stroller, co-sleeping or crib — to a sea of unknowns. I broke a sweat at my desk long before the first load of diapers hit the pail.
Today, I wonder what resource she’s reading - did she pick the fear inducing and scare-mongering What to Expect? Or did she opt for something Canadian, something with pictures or heavily medical? Has she found the British website http://www.babycentre.co.uk/ with the cheery e-mail updates about the development of the fetus? Has she won the lottery and found a midwife or physician who is able and willing to see her whole being through this important journey to becoming a mother? Does she need to know about ginger tea, DHA supplements, avoiding sushi or donning an emotional flak jacket?
There it is — the point I most want to make if asked — treat yourself by tuning-out as you feel the conveyor belt of expectant motherhood taking you away on it. Be prepared for the tsunami of wonderful, unexpected, horrifying and practical advice now heading your way. And take all the time you want away from Planet Baby to tune-in to what you need, feel, wonder about, and think is important for you and your new baby. I can’t wait to get to know the person he or she becomes for your early efforts.
June 7th, 2006 at 7:46 pm
As one who is expecting, I read the bit about “brimming with suggestions” with a smile. I was warned by many to expect odd, well- meant, unsolicited and assorted comments throughout my pregnancy. I was most definitely given a heads up that the favorite topic will tend to be about the advice-giver’s own labour (positive, negative, quick or 3 days long with multiple challenges) that could incite fear and panic and an overwhelming need to run home and yell at my husband over this crazy decision that we made. I am pleased to say that your advice is sound (and most welcome). Well I have had very few stories so far that are not happy or warm, I approach the others with a glazed over expression, and nod with the odd comment of “well I’ll be” and “oh my” inserted at appropriate points.
I am looking forward to a lot of advice (I haven’t done this yet, it would be a little odd to ignore all the great mothers out there who have already walked this road) but the ability to tune out the parts that are not necessarily helpful is wonderful. And it does allow me to focus on what is important - my new little one. Your advice is grand. Feel free to send more my way!
September 6th, 2006 at 9:44 am
Thank you for this post.